“Divorce: What About It?”
Scripture Reading: Mark 10:2-12
Sermon Transcript for October 8, 2006
By Pastor Bob Coleman
Well, if you are not aware, our daughter was married last week. Talk about change! Pastor Nancy just mentioned in prayer that change happens and comes to us – that’s a change. We now have a son-in-law. We have a second married daughter and that’s a joy. And our other daughter is expecting our first grandchild in a month. There is another change coming our way.
Change, when it is positive, no one complains; but change when it is negative, that’s when we really begin to question, “Why can’t we just keep it all the same?” That’s why today’s Scripture, I need to prepare you a bit for it, because it talks about a change that’s not a comfortable one at all. It is very painful. Jesus brings us an answer to a “trapping” type of a question and that’s what the Pharisees are trying to do in this setting and their response about marriage, in particular, divorce.
What I want to talk to you about is relationships first because relationships are the heart of change when it is with human relationships. We don’t like to experience this but maybe some of you have. You are before your boss and the boss says, like that guy with the bad hairpiece on TV, “You’re fired!” And all of a sudden, change happens. The relationship is no longer there. You are not an employee. We live in an age of disposability including people, including relationships. So the power of change in that way is not at all usually comfortable. Factories will close; you lose your job. People who you think are friends ditch you at the time of need. Job changes can mean that you look forward to something new and positive. And even when it is on the good side of change, you still have changes of relationships. When we moved here seven months ago, we had a change in relationships from where I was a pastor at another church and now I am a pastor here. So, is that a good thing? It means I leave all those relationships behind as a pastor with that church. We have a covenant that says when you move from one church to another you sever those ties, those relationships, in a pastoral relationship. Friendships can continue but I can’t go back and be pastor at that other church. I have things to do here. But it hurts. It’s a good change, but it is a painful one. It at times makes us feel as if those relationships are meant to be disposable, but they are not.
Relationships, torn relationships, wounded hearts, sometimes we find that when they happen to us we feel as if there is no where to turn. This is a copy of a marriage certificate taken off the web. It says, “Holy Matrimony”. It’s an old looking one if you follow that close. “What will we have today in response? Jesus tells us about something that is very painful. It’s when we say, “Marriage is no more”. Divorce takes place. Relationships are torn asunder. And people are disposable like a trash can.
Now, again, the setting for the scripture is a trick question. They want to try to catch Jesus on the technical terms of the law and also on the response of what it means to have divorce. Listen to what Jesus says, as we watch it displayed, from Mark 10: 2-12: “Some Pharisees came and tested Him by asking, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ ‘What did Moses command you,’ He replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.’ ‘It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,’ Jesus replied.” Hardening hearts are at the center of broken relationships. Continuing on Jesus says, “But at the beginning of creation,” now notice He changes not from talking about your hardened hearts or that law, but setting back to the foundation of what God intends. “At the beginning of creation, God made the male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife.” And by the way, it doesn’t say it, but the reverse is true also that the woman leaves mother and father and becomes united with her husband. “And the two become one,’ Jesus said. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, when God has joined together, let no one separate.”
I said those words to my daughter just last week. The hope is that she heard them in her heart, and so did Nathan and that they will abide by that and stay together all of their lives in a loving, caring relationship. But Jesus goes back later for teaching. When they were in the house again with the disciples, Jesus set some boundaries about divorce and how serious it is and what it means when it is broken apart. “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.” Now, here is the twist. Contextually understand that’s understandable because only men could divorce and Jesus brings some equality and says, “If she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery. He put us in an ability to divorce, but he also he put us in the understanding of adultery. Jesus is saying it is a serious and difficult problem when a marriage that has been made before God is taken apart. It is a sin. We don’t like to here that always. It is difficult to recognize my one sister’s divorce. And who of us in this room is not touched in some way by divorce, either your own or a loved one like your parents or your children or grandparents or very close friends or yes, even preachers. I have several pastor friends who have gone through divorces. It was traumatic watching the tearing apart of the fabric of a covenant that they too pledged before God and before man that they would stay together till death do them part. What they didn’t realize is that relationships can die also. And a dead relationship needs to be recognized as so. No matter what brought them to that point.
We talk about divorce in our country today. This is not a new problem. You can go back and check statistics of the early parts of this country; divorce was not as high in percentage but was still very evident. You can go back to the time of Jesus; it was not a new problem then. Divorce happened in a variety of ways; that’s what is referenced in that Scripture. Today, probably the only community that I know of where divorce is at its lowest possible is the Amish community where it is not acceptable at all. And yet they still have one out of 200 of their marriages that end in divorce--a small half of a percent from there to 50 percent or more for our culture. And the church, by the way, is no different. For the church in the religious society of Christian faith, just that one alone, the divorce rate is really not that much different than the secular society.
Yes, we even have books written about the ability to separate from one another in a harmonious way. Divorce, in a harmonious way, that is the basis of the book called, TAO of Divorce. Tao is an eastern religious term that, listen to this, the definition means, “the art or skill of doing something in harmony with nature”. The Tao of divorce! How do you have a divorce in relationship with a harmony with nature? By the way, nature is an euphemism for God. The way of balance and inner peace, this book is written to help a person face their divorce in peace and tranquility. As if that is possible when a loving, before God relationship is torn apart.
But you see, that’s what sin does to us. And we need to raise it to a higher level because Jesus is telling us how important it is when you stand before God. And there is a difference between a civil ceremony and a sacred ceremony. People get married in a civil ceremony and there is no mention of God; there is no commitment. But definitely in the church and in the sacred ceremony there is a three-way covenant that is forged between the two people and God. Last week I had Angie, as I do in all weddings, turn and face her husband-to-be, Nathan, and I said to them before, “You will be saying the vows to each other before God. I’m simply helping you. I am assisting you. You are not saying them to me for permission. You are saying to each other before God. The breaking apart of that is a sin, as strongly a sin as adultery.”
I really don’t want to get in to the fine points of, “Well, what do we mean by adultery?” at this point. I want to raise it to a higher level in the fact that the sin is a separation of yourself and the breaking of some relationship or a covenant or understanding between yourself and God and yourself and someone else. Those are the two types of sin that we face. The church does well in some kinds of sin that are not as bad or painful. And others we kind of run away from it at times. I’m no speaking so much of this particular congregation, but the church in general. We talk about the sanctity and sacredness of marriage, and then allow for divorce to take place. And then we don’t know what quite what to do with the person’s who are divorced. And so many times people who become divorced will leave the congregation. Maybe to go find another one where they can go start a new life or sometimes because they have gotten sort of a cold shoulder because we, the rest of us, do not know what to say or what to do. Let the pastors take care of it. Pastors are trained to handle those kinds of problems. Send them to a pastor or to a counselor and maybe they will work out their problems. But in the meantime, what do we say? Like you say so often to me and other pastors, “What do you say at a funeral home?”
What I want to offer to you this morning is a model on two levels. One is what we need to do corporately and what you might be able to do individually when it comes to recognizing that divorce is a part of life. We don’t like it but it is still there. Sin is part of life. We don’t like it but it is still there. I believe the church and this congregation particularly must step forward to do more in helping young couples or people of any age who step up to be married. Yes, we require a three-course counseling session. In a funny, humorous side if there is anything at all, is a call that I got a few months ago when a lady said, “Will you marry me?” And I said, “Ma’am, I’m already happily married.” She said, “Ahh, a minister with a sense of humor.” And I said, “Well, yes, are you asking me to perform the marriage ceremony for you? Is that what you are asking?” She said, “Yes, that’s what I am asking.” “All right, your name again?” I didn’t recognize her name. “Are you a member here or do you attend at Grace?” “No, I do not.” “Well, all right, when are you talking about having this wedding?” “This afternoon. I’m picking up the license this morning.” “Okay, I understand that but,” I said, “Ma’am I require three counseling sessions before I will perform that service with you and your fiancé and I don’t think we can make that in between nine this morning and this afternoon.” She said, “You’re right. Do you no anybody I can go to that can marry us this afternoon?”
I knew I wasn’t going to make very much change in her life at that moment. But do you see what I am saying? The pastor either just does the marriage, we kind of bless it, or maybe with three counseling sessions maybe we can help them to reshape. But you as a congregation are responsible for not only raising the children to believe that marriage is a sacred trust and covenant, but then helping and encouraging when two people fall in love that they move toward it knowing that a community will be there to help strengthen and not take them apart. Not to do things that will separate. Marriage enrichment is a program that is helpful after. There are engagement programs before. We can have leadership for things to be in place. But that, by itself, is still not enough. That’s like having a program to handle the issue. We all have a responsibility to keep our own marriages, if we are married, strong, to keep those who are married strong in their relationship. That’s a corporate piece.
But then there is dealing with the depth of pain because, as I said, divorce will still happen. Jesus recognizes this because in all of the other settings, in almost every other time when He talks about something as difficult as this, He also talks about God’s forgiveness. And that’s what Jesus brought to us and for us. In fact, we believe what we call “prevenient grace”, is that we are forgiven even before we’ve sinned. Not that it means we are supposed to go out and sin more just before we are forgiven. We have to believe that people who break God’s law are forgiven as they recognize it. Now, the person who blatantly breaks the law and doesn’t feel that they have done anything wrong, that is another matter. It’s a sin in another way.
The most classic person in scripture that broke the law of God relating to marriage, to adultery, who, not killing someone else, well at least he broke three commandments if not more—is King David! Placed to be the leader of the people, he saw, he lusted in his heart, and actually lusted with Bathsheba, fell in love with her and wanted to smooth the way so he had the power to put Bathsheba’s husband in the front line of battle where he was killed to get him out of the way. And the prophet Nathan comes and deals forthrightly with David and his sin and says, “You are the one that has broken the law of God.” David had avoided God until that point. That’s a personal relationship and it is not an easy one for you to go to a person and say, “Do you realize what you have done? You have broken God’s law?” Not in condemnation but in helping them to recognize their sinfulness, their brokenness, so that they might move towards healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. That’s the end result of what we are to do with people who have gone through the pain and separation and heartache and broken relationship of divorce. And almost any other sin that is a separation between you and someone else.
So David has really racked up the sins in this case. Nathan had confronted him. And then in the true sense of a contrite heart, David goes before the Lord in Psalm 51. I am going to offer this to you as a model of prayer for your own life because there may be some of you here today who are carrying a whole lot of guilt that you’ve not really laid before God and not have seen your own healing in your own life because of a sin, maybe even divorce. So you need to here it for yourself but also hear it as a pathway that even in the Old Testament God was providing a way to bring healing and reconciliation and forgiveness in our lives. But we have to recognize the magnanimity of our sin. Pastor Nancy will be reading this as a prayer for you. Listen to these words. Pray that God’s spirit will speak to you as you need to hear them. And it may be it’s a possibility that something in here you will be able to use in your relationship with someone else that you know is hurting, carrying a burden of guilt, needs the sense of forgiveness as we recognize their sins. Let us hear it in a prayerful attitude:
Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you alone, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
and blameless when you pass judgment.
Indeed, I was born guilty,
a sinner when my mother conceived me.
You desire truth in the inward being,
therefore, teach me wisdom in my secret heart.Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and put a new and right spirit within me.
Do not case me way from your presence,
and do not take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and sustain in me a willing spirit.
Gracious God, it is your grace that is our salvation. We wish to reclaim the sanctity of marriage, the covenant of relationships, be close to you to do all within our power, individually and as your church, to protect and honor and keep safely. We also pledge, gracious God, that when things get so far beyond us and relationships die, that we need to recognize that death, the pain and the heartache and offer forgiveness and grace, healing and hope in your name. Let us carry with us on our lips and in our minds the prayer that is so familiar but also says “let us forgive those as we are forgiven”. Let us unite our hearts and our words together now in the prayer our Lord has taught us to pray:
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the Kingdom,
And the power and the glory forever.
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