"Strengthening Our Grip On Family
" (3rd message in a 5-part sermon series) Sermon Transcript for October 14, 2001 By Rev. Mike BeckScripture Reading: Ruth 1:1-19
Edith Shaffer is the author of a book entitled, "What is a Family?". In it, she has some insightful definitions of the various roles that a family plays out. She defines family as…
- A changing life mobile. Think about those mobiles, if you have children, over the crib that were constantly moving around. She says family is changing like mobiles.
- A birthplace of creativity
- A formation center for human relationships
- A shelter in the time of storm
- A perpetual relay of truth
- A door that has hinges and a lock. In other words, there are some things within a family that the door is open to others to come in. There are other things within family where the door is locked and those secrets or moments are for them and them only.
- A museum of memories
As we think about "Strengthening our Grip on Family", I urge you to look at those definitions. We acknowledge today that in many ways the family unit is in trouble. We could spin out endless depressing statistics to illustrate that fact. Most of our families are a far cry from the "Little House on the Prairie". In fact, I think we often get ourselves in trouble by thinking that if we just read enough books, if we just work hard enough, that we could end up with the "perfect family". Is there anybody out there that knows the perfect family? I don’t think I do. I think our families, the best of families, are a mixture of times of great joy mixed in with other periods of great struggle. A week ago last night I had the privilege of having my youngest son stand before me and I married him to his wife. And my feelings of pride and family that God had given to Mickey and I. But friends, if I think hard enough I don’t have to think real hard to remember some times I just about killed the boy! Some knock-down, drag-out arguments and disagreements that we had. In the reception his older brother Aaron who toasted him said, "I don’t think two sons, two brothers could be any closer." And that’s been true for the last eight years, but Mickey and I when we lifted our glasses to toast were both thinking the same thing. Back in Junior High we were just praying to God that they made it to adulthood; that they didn’t kill each other. It’s a mixture; even the best of families.
Today’s scripture from the Book of Ruth takes some principles that can help us to strengthen our grip on family. The story is set in the time of the Judges very early in Israel’s history. Naomi and her husband and her two sons lived near Bethlehem. A famine hits the land, and so they move southeast across the Dead Sea to a land called Moab to find food. They stay in the land for a number of years. Their two sons grow up and marry Moabite women. Which is not really the proper thing for good Jewish boys to do, but there aren’t too many Jewish girls in Moab. In time, her husband dies. And then both sons die. And now Naomi is left a widow in a strange foreign land. She receives word that the famine has ended in Israel, so she prepares to say goodbye to her two daughter-in-laws. And Orpah decides to remain in Moab. But Ruth will hear nothing of it. And in that context we find that very quoted Verse 16 that you will often hear used in weddings, where Ruth says to Naomi, "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people, and your God my God." It’s a beautiful story out of which I want to lift three principles.
- I think this story invites us to expand our definition of family. Now, please hear me carefully for I am in no way discounting the family unit defined as husband and wife and 2.1 children (whatever that means). But if that’s the only definition we allow when we use the word "family", then upwards to 70% of the people around us are not a part of the family! Let’s think of the variety of family units in our day.
SINGLE-PARENT FAMILIES: We have many of those here at Grace. They have very special needs. You may not be aware, but single-parent families are the reason that most Sunday Schools stopped giving perfect attendance pins. For all too many of their children, every other week are at their dad’s or their moms.
BLENDED FAMILIES: Where we’ve got yours, and mine, and ours!
ADULTS WHO CHOOSE NOT TO MARRY: And I bet many of you at times, not intentionally, but you’ve been very cruel and I’ve been very cruel. We meet a single person; and what do we ask them? When are you going to get married? As if they’re not whole as a single adult. Or married couples who, for a variety of reasons, choose not to have children. And we often say very hurtful things, "When are the kids going to come along?" As if the family isn’t whole unless there’s children.
INTER-GENERATIONAL FAMILIES: I’ll bet most all of you know some adult who is raising their grandchild. There is more and more of that in our society.
SINGLE ADULTS WHOSE SPOUSE HAS LEFT OR DIED: Are they not a family? And how blessed we are here at Franklin to have the kind of family that Franklin United Methodist Community provides for persons in that last category. I was very moved this week. A lady who goes to another church came to our Monday Intercessory Prayer Group. She said, "I want to pray for a gentlemen who’s having surgery this week. I don’t have any blood family; he’s like family to me. He takes care of all of my affairs.
Naomi and Ruth, friends, certainly don’t qualify as your "model family". As they return to Bethlehem think about what you’ve got. You’ve got an aging widow and you’ve got a stranger, unmarried from a foreign land. And if we’re not careful, we’ll miss the impact of the last verse that Dan read, Verse 19. "So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem…", hear these words, "…the whole town was stirred because of them." Friends, these two women would have raised some eyebrows when they hit the McDonald’s at the east edge of Bethlehem because Israel wasn’t overly friendly to either women or strangers! But are we going to say they weren’t a family because Naomi had no husband or they had no children? I hope not!
In this first point, I want to urge us as individuals and also as a church, to have a very wide and inclusive definition for the word "family". I wonder what I was thinking when I was asked in the church we were going to before I went in to ministry, the pastor asked me to organize a Sunday School class for young adults. And there’s no question that the growth in that class was one of the things that led me to sense the call to ministry. But do you know what we named that class? The Pairs and Spares. Now think through that. If you’re a Spare, how do you think you’d feel?
Lillian Knox was our neighbor in Greensburg. She taught first grade for over 40 years, but she never married and she had very few relatives. But when she died of cancer in her mid 70’s, it was one of the largest funerals I ever conducted! For you see, "family" goes far beyond blood ties or conventional thinking.
- I think this story teaches us about the need for flexibility in family relationships. For Naomi, life did not go according to the script she had written. She’s uprooted from her homeland, then her husband dies, then both sons die. But she brought to each one of those situations the element that we need to bring to our lives and to families – the element of "flexibility". Reflect again on the story. When famine hits the land, Naomi is willing to pack up and move. That’s flexibility! When the famine ends, she decides it is time to return home and she is willing to leave the only family she’s got, her daughter-in-laws, behind. And notice the flexibility of Ruth. She knows she’ll stick out like a sore thumb in Bethlehem. But for her, Naomi has now become her family and she’s flexible enough to embark on a life far different than what she’s predicted.
All of us have hopes and dreams for our family and for ourselves; there’s nothing wrong with that. But where I notice that many persons create their own problems is when they become inflexible about those plans as they journey through life. Let me illustrate. Dad enjoys sports. He’s got this great vision that his son will become a star athlete. But there’s only one minor problem. The son doesn’t like sports and has very little athletic ability. But he enjoys his music and drama. But Dad doesn’t ever show up for the band competition or the school play because it doesn’t fit the script, the dream that Dad had. And the son is often left with life-long scars that he somehow couldn’t please his father. Or Mary, this beautiful and gifted girl, and Mom and Dad begin to write the script for her –- Prom Queen, an Ivy League School, a professional career. But Mary never gets interested in the "prep" crowd. And the boy she begins to date is a gentle, caring young man; but he’s from the wrong side of town. And then Mary opts for Secretarial school and she’s interested in beginning a family instead of the big house and fancy cars. And some of you know first hand, people are coming to your mind, and you watch the family unit disintegrate because there wasn’t the element of flexibility. Friends, can we become a little more flexible when our children’s choices or other family members choices don’t match up with ours?
Or consider this scenario. Mom dies at an earlier age then anticipated. And Dad begins to spend time with a widow lady in town. And some time later they decide to get married; and worse yet, they’re going to move to Florida. And in so many situations within the tangled web of family relationships, we face some choices. We can be inflexible and risk permanently fracturing the relationship or we can become flexible in order to preserve precious family bonds. Hear me carefully. I’m not suggesting that we run away from our God-given responsibilities to provide wisdom and guidance within family relationships. I’m just suggesting that we can strengthen our grip on family by becoming more flexible in response to the choices that others make.
3. You want to strengthen your grip on family? Then smear on your hands a good heavy dose of commitment. Ruth’s words to Naomi, "Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay." Those are powerful words of commitment. But let me speak for a moment to married couples. Hear me carefully. I realize fully that there are situations of abuse in a whole variety of ways or circumstances where the other partner has walked away and there is no other choice left other than the termination of a marriage. We need to understand that reality. But it may be possible that there is a husband or wife hearing my voice today who is thinking about canceling out on your marriage vows and you really don’t have any reason for leaving other than your own self-centeredness. If you are entertaining those thoughts, let me urge you to drink deeply from the fountain of commitment. I’ll never forget the night in the family room. Adam was sitting in front of the couch; we were watching some program on TV. And he’d gotten old enough to realize that what he enjoyed in his household, a whole lot of his friends did not enjoy. I will never forget the night he turned around and simply said to Mickey and I, he said, "There were probably times you thought about ditching the marriage. I want to thank you that you didn’t. " That’s priceless! Because in every marriage relationship, there are times you think about discarding it. Drink deeply from the fountain of commitment.
And in our family relationships, is it possible that someone has allowed a careless word or an inappropriate action to cause a break with a son or daughter, or a sister or a brother, or a Mom or Dad? It may be difficult, and friends, I realize first hand, that there are times the other person will not allow reconciliation. You’ve tried until you’re blue in the face. The Bible says, "As much as it depends upon you, live in peace with others." But could I invite you today, with God as your helper, wherever there is a fractured relationship to remain committed to do whatever you can whenever you can to try and restore those precious family bonds? Most of us are familiar with the chorus, "I’m so Glad I’m a Part of the Family of God". And if your faith is in Jesus Christ as your Savior today, you’re a part of that family. In closing , reflect with me on this. Aren’t you glad that God includes all kinds of persons in His family? Aren’t you glad that God is infinitely flexible and creative as He as dealt with me and you? And aren’t you glad that God is so committed to each one of us that He promises us a love that will never ever let us go? Let us pray together, "Oh Lord, help us to expand our definition of family. Forgive us for the times that we’ve been cruel in our attitudes or in our words toward families that are a little different in their composition than ours. Help us, oh Lord, to be more flexible. Decisions of others may break our hearts sometimes, but we don’t want to add insult to injury by seeing the relationship disintegrate. And Lord, help us to smear on our hands this morning an increased level of commitment to making our family however it’s defined a better reflection of the family of God in which you’ve invited us to be a part. Hear our prayer, oh Lord. In Christ’s name, Amen."
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